One day, perhaps...

"A joy it will be one day, perhaps, to remember even this." --Aneas (from Virgil's Aneid)

Things have been moving at a fast pace these days-- it looks like I have a date set for my defense: Friday, August 9th! It also happens to be Baby H's birthday. Only to bring me luck, of course.

Everyone was on board at a recent committee meeting and the discussion was surprisingly pleasant. This helped my confidence a lot, and reinforced what I have been saying since I've realized it: start this process early! Get a committee and get them involved as soon as you can. Group meetings are even better because of the discussion they drive-- not just a benefit for you and your project, but the discussion amongst the faculty with their peers allows them to bicker between each other and not with you. Really, everybody wins here.

There is a visible light at the end of this 6-year-long tunnel. Finally.

Now it's jut a matter of getting all of my remaining experiments done, dissertation written, and papers submitted! Yeah... sound like a lot? Because it is. But, I think my excitement and the prospect of ACTUALLY BEING DONE has overtaken any extreme feelings of stress. In the last months, the project has been streamlined and is manageable. I know exactly which experiments need to get done, and, barring any serious contamination/mysterious lab issues, it will get done on time.

The writing part is somewhat daunting. I like writing, but it is quite the time-consuming process for me. Actually, it's just consuming in general. Writing consumes me, and in order for me to produce a product I'm satisfied with, it's essential that it does. It is an art form that breeds and destroys perfectionists. And, hardest of all, there is no real way to know when you're "done" writing something. It will forever seem like something can be tweaked and changed, something could be said differently, or expanded upon. In the end, though-- at least with a dissertation-- it doesn't matter.... It all has to be in there, the data, the story, but in the end, it just needs to be finished.

Bacon, Egg, and Cheese, Please!

I had the most amazing bacon and egg sandwich from a local place this past weekend. I have shied away from it for months since it was an overpriced version of something available in any New York street corner deli. This, however, was not just any sandwich and well worth the $6 + clogged arteries. The bacon from Portage Bay Cafe is worth it on its own; everything else is just a bonus.


Not actual sandwich.

Unfortunately for my psyche, I have also recently started watching the amazing documentary 'Weight of the Nation' put out by the CDC and NIH. The film addresses the obesity epidemic and ill health effects arising in its wake here in the great U.S. of A. The film in its entirety is long, but is nicely broken into 4 parts. It's incredibly informative and well done. Much of the information will not be completely new to most people, but to see it all strung together, to see the data, the numbers, the alarming effects of obesity on our bodies and health, on our children.... it is sure to astonish and floor even the well informed.

The Bogalusa Heart study featured in the film (which went on from 1972-2005) shed light on many aspects of the early development of coronary artery disease and hypertension. One of the most novel conclusions from this study, as the film states, is that the major causes and hallmarks of adult heart disease, (atherosclerosis, coronary heart disease, hypertension, etc) begin in childhood. Documented anatomic changes occur by 5 to 8 years of age.

Translated, this means that a poor diet of fast food as a kid in conjunction with little exercise and other poor health habits WILL harm you later in life. It will, it does, you can see it very clearly presented in this film. The visuals speak for themselves.

Access to affordable healthy foods and education are part of the solution, ensuring that a majority of people in this country can provide a healthier life for themselves and their families. This is obviously a large and multifaceted issue, but ignoring it and not taking measures to make these options a reality is no longer an option. The economic costs alone are mounting and are unsustainable for the country on a whole. We need more conversations and smart, thinking minds coming up with solutions to this far-reaching problem. Start here--Watch it and spread the word!

"Preach the Gospel always. If necessary, use words." -St. Francis of Assisi

In light of recent events at my old high school where a teacher who came out as transgender was fired after more than 30 years of teaching, I was compelled to resume my stagnant writing.

Mark Krolikowski, known as Mr. K, was one of my favorite and best teachers at St. Francis Preparatory School. He taught several religion classes, including Human Sexuality & Love and Social Justice. He often focused on the value of tolerance, respect, and empathy. He is dynamic and funny, relatable and kind; when I was there, he also had wild red hair, and donned flamboyant alligator-skin shoes and several hoop earrings in both ears. He was a favorite of many students and teachers alike.

From my understanding, his hair had grown too long, the manicures were too frequent, and most of all, after 32 years of teaching, a student complained. As a result, Mr. K not only came out to his Catholic school administration as transgender but was fired by the hypocritical institution. The school has notoriously been more concerned with money and unevenly enforcing a dress code than actually upholding Catholic/Christian values or the best interest of its students. Firing Mr. K, a highly valued and respected teacher, highlights it all, reigniting anger and bitterness in me than I thought had dissipated over the years.

The administration sent several messages by firing Mr. K. Not only do they not value an excellent teaching record of 30+ years, they boldly demonstrated that they will not tolerate people who appear different and do not comply with their ideal mold. One of the saddest (and perhaps less obvious) consequences of such actions is its deliberate and inconsiderate removal of an ally, an accepting and supportive voice in a sea of intolerance. You see, SFP, no matter how hard you try to suppress and eliminate these 'deviants,' there are gay/queer/transgender/different people roaming your halls every day. They are teachers, staff, and students. Like I was. Many of whom already feel isolated and unwanted. And you, beacons of Catholic teachings, the supposed embodiment of the Franciscan brotherhood, have only reinforced these sentiments here.

For many of us, high school is merely something we survive. Something we just try to get through with some self-esteem intact. Many teenagers struggle with feelings of not fitting in-- for various reasons-- and have trouble with the conformity required in many high schools. Sometimes, this conformity is societally placed, causing teens to believe they need to dress or think a certain way in order to be accepted by their peers. In a Catholic school, in SFP, that conformity is multifacted and hypocritical, resulting from societal pressures as well as the outdated Catholic dogma. Enforcing a dress code in a private school is nothing new; enforcing it with more gusto than a supposed zero-tolerance drug policy is ridiculous. The religious influences serve more to suppress dissenting voices and opinions than it does to foster love and kindness.

If we're lucky, in high school (as in the rest of life) we may find a few supportive mentors along the way. They come in the form of friends and teachers; some of us might even owe our lives to these people. Especially in an inherently suffocating environment, these mentors are so valuable. Congratulations, Prep, for dismissing a non-judgmental, supportive shoulder to lean on. St. Francis is attributed with the quote, "Preach the gospel always. If necessary, use words." In reflecting the sentiments of your patron saint and the goodness of Christianity, you failed.

Definitely.

Check out #WhatShouldWeCallGradSchool because it's awesome.

On Imposters and Feeling Like You're 'Not Enough'

Here's a great little post from an awesome blogger, SciCurious, about the "Impostor Syndrome." In summary, it's the idea that we/people are really just 'faking it' when they succeed and/or only highlight their successes without openly admitting or talking of their failures. It can lead to a disastrous way of working and living in that some people never feel like they're doing enough or are 'good enough,' and are not deserving of their job/title/anything.

Sci highlights the need for a more transparent culture in science (especially in Academia), where flaws and failures are discussed as openly as successes and accolades. I agree in that it would be wonderful to be respected and commended for failing and trying again (and again, and again, and again...)-- not just for succeeding.

A despondent rant

This is nothing new, but no less true. No less significant. Perhaps it's so devastating because it's not new. Because my entire experience in grad school has been an uphill battle, one where I continuously plummet back down the mountain and have to retrace my path. Do it again, except while battered and bruised.

Throughout my career here, my successes seem few and far between. They are shrouded in the myriad (often unexplainable) failures. And by this, they are rendered insignificant and forgettable. My confidence in my capabilities as a lab-based scientist has waned. Experiments work and fail with the changing of the tides or, perhaps, by something more random. Repeating experiments to confirm results and to complete the requisite n = 3 only results in having the third inexplicably fail. Was it a bad day for the cells? My incompetence? Wrathful lab gods? I'm unsure.

My list of experiments to be completed in order to finish my degree is plentiful. It wouldn't seem so impossible, however, if experiments worked when I did them. If I was able obtain usable data from 3 experiments the first 3 times I did the experiment, instead of accumulating them within 20 times of repeating the same. Unfortunately for me, this is not an exaggeration.

Do you know how much more I could have completed, how many other new things I could have done in this time, if the experiments had just yielded appropriate results after 5 times instead of 20? Do you know that I could be finishing this degree this summer instead of staring down a long tunnel that may or may not end by the Spring of 2013? Do you know how much anxiety, stress, and disparaging comments could have been avoided had these experiments worked, had the positive controls read positively, and the data obtained in a timely manner?

I think I'd be much happier. I think I'd feel like this was worth it. I think I might have the will and desire to come work everyday to finish this degree. Maybe I wouldn't feel like my day to day life is useless, a waste of time. I wouldn't spend hours, days, and weeks completing an experiment to ultimately determine it failed. I wouldn't be looking at the same "to-do" list I have had up for months, wondering why barely anything is crossed off when I know I've been working constantly. Maybe then I wouldn't feel like a failure.

The Dose Makes the Poison, Redux

I recently finished reading "The Poisoner's Handbook" by Deborah Blum. The stories of murder and corruption in Prohibition-era New York makes for an enthralling way to introduce the science of poisons to the masses. More importantly for me, however, is that this book is a journey into the beginnings of forensic toxicology and a testament to the increasing need for public health welfare (both then and now).

The protagonist is a public health crusader in the form of New York's first legitimate Chief Medical Examiner, Charles Norris. Norris also fought tirelessly against corrupt government bodies of the Tammany Hall era. Sadly, the same struggles are faced by scientists today: Science and scientists are constantly undermined in the public sphere by government officials trying to push their own agendas and pander to their corporate backers. Fear and emotion-based arguments (as opposed to fact-based) are used to discredit scientific work, most of which are made by those who are not at all qualified to comment on its validity. Most lawyers and politicians do not have the skills required to correctly critique scientific data, just like I, as a scientist, wouldn't be able to adequately critique other technical jobs, such as that of a surgeon or mechanic.

Regardless, by the end of the 1920's, forensic toxicology gained recognition as a validated science that proved useful in law enforcement. Additionally, certain chemicals started to be regulated and banned from use, thanks in large part to Norris and the work of his meticulous toxicologist, Alexander Gettler. In the wake of Walter White and Gale Boetticher, Gettler's type A personality and devotion to sound science is not only understood but admired. After all, Mr. White's fastidious adherence to protocol produces the best product out there; the same can be said for Gettler's exacting methods used to inform some of the earliest, canonical studies on carbon monoxide toxicity as well as levels of ethanol intoxication. Not only did it produce the best results, but his repeated testing reiterated the certainty behind his results-- a hard case to argue against when used as evidence in court or to push for policy change.

Walter White and Gale Boetticher, Breaking Bad, Season 4

Here are a couple notable take-away points from this deliciously informative novel that reads like a murder mystery:

1. Quit trying to poison people. Many failed to get away with it in the 1920's and today's modern instruments are exponentially more sensitive and accurate in identifying extraneous toxic substances in the body.

2. Regulation is important! Yes, government-sponsored, scientifically sound regulations that monitor and decipher levels of toxic substances in our food, consumer products, and environment. Without them, something like wood alcohol (aka methanol, methyl alcohol, CH3OH) would be an acceptable additive to drinking alcohol (ethyl alcohol). Of course, this is only a problem if you are averse to going blind or subjecting to an early, unpredictable death after having a few at the bar.

3. For those of us in Public Health: Don't give up. It's exhausting and you can't do it alone, but it is possible to influence policy change down the line. Engaging the public and informing them to the dangers of environmental chemicals is essential to any real change ever happening. So, when you have some time out of the lab (?), be sure to work on those communication skills.