One day, perhaps...

"A joy it will be one day, perhaps, to remember even this." --Aneas (from Virgil's Aneid)

Things have been moving at a fast pace these days-- it looks like I have a date set for my defense: Friday, August 9th! It also happens to be Baby H's birthday. Only to bring me luck, of course.

Everyone was on board at a recent committee meeting and the discussion was surprisingly pleasant. This helped my confidence a lot, and reinforced what I have been saying since I've realized it: start this process early! Get a committee and get them involved as soon as you can. Group meetings are even better because of the discussion they drive-- not just a benefit for you and your project, but the discussion amongst the faculty with their peers allows them to bicker between each other and not with you. Really, everybody wins here.

There is a visible light at the end of this 6-year-long tunnel. Finally.

Now it's jut a matter of getting all of my remaining experiments done, dissertation written, and papers submitted! Yeah... sound like a lot? Because it is. But, I think my excitement and the prospect of ACTUALLY BEING DONE has overtaken any extreme feelings of stress. In the last months, the project has been streamlined and is manageable. I know exactly which experiments need to get done, and, barring any serious contamination/mysterious lab issues, it will get done on time.

The writing part is somewhat daunting. I like writing, but it is quite the time-consuming process for me. Actually, it's just consuming in general. Writing consumes me, and in order for me to produce a product I'm satisfied with, it's essential that it does. It is an art form that breeds and destroys perfectionists. And, hardest of all, there is no real way to know when you're "done" writing something. It will forever seem like something can be tweaked and changed, something could be said differently, or expanded upon. In the end, though-- at least with a dissertation-- it doesn't matter.... It all has to be in there, the data, the story, but in the end, it just needs to be finished.

Bacon, Egg, and Cheese, Please!

I had the most amazing bacon and egg sandwich from a local place this past weekend. I have shied away from it for months since it was an overpriced version of something available in any New York street corner deli. This, however, was not just any sandwich and well worth the $6 + clogged arteries. The bacon from Portage Bay Cafe is worth it on its own; everything else is just a bonus.


Not actual sandwich.

Unfortunately for my psyche, I have also recently started watching the amazing documentary 'Weight of the Nation' put out by the CDC and NIH. The film addresses the obesity epidemic and ill health effects arising in its wake here in the great U.S. of A. The film in its entirety is long, but is nicely broken into 4 parts. It's incredibly informative and well done. Much of the information will not be completely new to most people, but to see it all strung together, to see the data, the numbers, the alarming effects of obesity on our bodies and health, on our children.... it is sure to astonish and floor even the well informed.

The Bogalusa Heart study featured in the film (which went on from 1972-2005) shed light on many aspects of the early development of coronary artery disease and hypertension. One of the most novel conclusions from this study, as the film states, is that the major causes and hallmarks of adult heart disease, (atherosclerosis, coronary heart disease, hypertension, etc) begin in childhood. Documented anatomic changes occur by 5 to 8 years of age.

Translated, this means that a poor diet of fast food as a kid in conjunction with little exercise and other poor health habits WILL harm you later in life. It will, it does, you can see it very clearly presented in this film. The visuals speak for themselves.

Access to affordable healthy foods and education are part of the solution, ensuring that a majority of people in this country can provide a healthier life for themselves and their families. This is obviously a large and multifaceted issue, but ignoring it and not taking measures to make these options a reality is no longer an option. The economic costs alone are mounting and are unsustainable for the country on a whole. We need more conversations and smart, thinking minds coming up with solutions to this far-reaching problem. Start here--Watch it and spread the word!

"Preach the Gospel always. If necessary, use words." -St. Francis of Assisi

In light of recent events at my old high school where a teacher who came out as transgender was fired after more than 30 years of teaching, I was compelled to resume my stagnant writing.

Mark Krolikowski, known as Mr. K, was one of my favorite and best teachers at St. Francis Preparatory School. He taught several religion classes, including Human Sexuality & Love and Social Justice. He often focused on the value of tolerance, respect, and empathy. He is dynamic and funny, relatable and kind; when I was there, he also had wild red hair, and donned flamboyant alligator-skin shoes and several hoop earrings in both ears. He was a favorite of many students and teachers alike.

From my understanding, his hair had grown too long, the manicures were too frequent, and most of all, after 32 years of teaching, a student complained. As a result, Mr. K not only came out to his Catholic school administration as transgender but was fired by the hypocritical institution. The school has notoriously been more concerned with money and unevenly enforcing a dress code than actually upholding Catholic/Christian values or the best interest of its students. Firing Mr. K, a highly valued and respected teacher, highlights it all, reigniting anger and bitterness in me than I thought had dissipated over the years.

The administration sent several messages by firing Mr. K. Not only do they not value an excellent teaching record of 30+ years, they boldly demonstrated that they will not tolerate people who appear different and do not comply with their ideal mold. One of the saddest (and perhaps less obvious) consequences of such actions is its deliberate and inconsiderate removal of an ally, an accepting and supportive voice in a sea of intolerance. You see, SFP, no matter how hard you try to suppress and eliminate these 'deviants,' there are gay/queer/transgender/different people roaming your halls every day. They are teachers, staff, and students. Like I was. Many of whom already feel isolated and unwanted. And you, beacons of Catholic teachings, the supposed embodiment of the Franciscan brotherhood, have only reinforced these sentiments here.

For many of us, high school is merely something we survive. Something we just try to get through with some self-esteem intact. Many teenagers struggle with feelings of not fitting in-- for various reasons-- and have trouble with the conformity required in many high schools. Sometimes, this conformity is societally placed, causing teens to believe they need to dress or think a certain way in order to be accepted by their peers. In a Catholic school, in SFP, that conformity is multifacted and hypocritical, resulting from societal pressures as well as the outdated Catholic dogma. Enforcing a dress code in a private school is nothing new; enforcing it with more gusto than a supposed zero-tolerance drug policy is ridiculous. The religious influences serve more to suppress dissenting voices and opinions than it does to foster love and kindness.

If we're lucky, in high school (as in the rest of life) we may find a few supportive mentors along the way. They come in the form of friends and teachers; some of us might even owe our lives to these people. Especially in an inherently suffocating environment, these mentors are so valuable. Congratulations, Prep, for dismissing a non-judgmental, supportive shoulder to lean on. St. Francis is attributed with the quote, "Preach the gospel always. If necessary, use words." In reflecting the sentiments of your patron saint and the goodness of Christianity, you failed.

Definitely.

Check out #WhatShouldWeCallGradSchool because it's awesome.

On Imposters and Feeling Like You're 'Not Enough'

Here's a great little post from an awesome blogger, SciCurious, about the "Impostor Syndrome." In summary, it's the idea that we/people are really just 'faking it' when they succeed and/or only highlight their successes without openly admitting or talking of their failures. It can lead to a disastrous way of working and living in that some people never feel like they're doing enough or are 'good enough,' and are not deserving of their job/title/anything.

Sci highlights the need for a more transparent culture in science (especially in Academia), where flaws and failures are discussed as openly as successes and accolades. I agree in that it would be wonderful to be respected and commended for failing and trying again (and again, and again, and again...)-- not just for succeeding.

A despondent rant

This is nothing new, but no less true. No less significant. Perhaps it's so devastating because it's not new. Because my entire experience in grad school has been an uphill battle, one where I continuously plummet back down the mountain and have to retrace my path. Do it again, except while battered and bruised.

Throughout my career here, my successes seem few and far between. They are shrouded in the myriad (often unexplainable) failures. And by this, they are rendered insignificant and forgettable. My confidence in my capabilities as a lab-based scientist has waned. Experiments work and fail with the changing of the tides or, perhaps, by something more random. Repeating experiments to confirm results and to complete the requisite n = 3 only results in having the third inexplicably fail. Was it a bad day for the cells? My incompetence? Wrathful lab gods? I'm unsure.

My list of experiments to be completed in order to finish my degree is plentiful. It wouldn't seem so impossible, however, if experiments worked when I did them. If I was able obtain usable data from 3 experiments the first 3 times I did the experiment, instead of accumulating them within 20 times of repeating the same. Unfortunately for me, this is not an exaggeration.

Do you know how much more I could have completed, how many other new things I could have done in this time, if the experiments had just yielded appropriate results after 5 times instead of 20? Do you know that I could be finishing this degree this summer instead of staring down a long tunnel that may or may not end by the Spring of 2013? Do you know how much anxiety, stress, and disparaging comments could have been avoided had these experiments worked, had the positive controls read positively, and the data obtained in a timely manner?

I think I'd be much happier. I think I'd feel like this was worth it. I think I might have the will and desire to come work everyday to finish this degree. Maybe I wouldn't feel like my day to day life is useless, a waste of time. I wouldn't spend hours, days, and weeks completing an experiment to ultimately determine it failed. I wouldn't be looking at the same "to-do" list I have had up for months, wondering why barely anything is crossed off when I know I've been working constantly. Maybe then I wouldn't feel like a failure.

The Dose Makes the Poison, Redux

I recently finished reading "The Poisoner's Handbook" by Deborah Blum. The stories of murder and corruption in Prohibition-era New York makes for an enthralling way to introduce the science of poisons to the masses. More importantly for me, however, is that this book is a journey into the beginnings of forensic toxicology and a testament to the increasing need for public health welfare (both then and now).

The protagonist is a public health crusader in the form of New York's first legitimate Chief Medical Examiner, Charles Norris. Norris also fought tirelessly against corrupt government bodies of the Tammany Hall era. Sadly, the same struggles are faced by scientists today: Science and scientists are constantly undermined in the public sphere by government officials trying to push their own agendas and pander to their corporate backers. Fear and emotion-based arguments (as opposed to fact-based) are used to discredit scientific work, most of which are made by those who are not at all qualified to comment on its validity. Most lawyers and politicians do not have the skills required to correctly critique scientific data, just like I, as a scientist, wouldn't be able to adequately critique other technical jobs, such as that of a surgeon or mechanic.

Regardless, by the end of the 1920's, forensic toxicology gained recognition as a validated science that proved useful in law enforcement. Additionally, certain chemicals started to be regulated and banned from use, thanks in large part to Norris and the work of his meticulous toxicologist, Alexander Gettler. In the wake of Walter White and Gale Boetticher, Gettler's type A personality and devotion to sound science is not only understood but admired. After all, Mr. White's fastidious adherence to protocol produces the best product out there; the same can be said for Gettler's exacting methods used to inform some of the earliest, canonical studies on carbon monoxide toxicity as well as levels of ethanol intoxication. Not only did it produce the best results, but his repeated testing reiterated the certainty behind his results-- a hard case to argue against when used as evidence in court or to push for policy change.

Walter White and Gale Boetticher, Breaking Bad, Season 4

Here are a couple notable take-away points from this deliciously informative novel that reads like a murder mystery:

1. Quit trying to poison people. Many failed to get away with it in the 1920's and today's modern instruments are exponentially more sensitive and accurate in identifying extraneous toxic substances in the body.

2. Regulation is important! Yes, government-sponsored, scientifically sound regulations that monitor and decipher levels of toxic substances in our food, consumer products, and environment. Without them, something like wood alcohol (aka methanol, methyl alcohol, CH3OH) would be an acceptable additive to drinking alcohol (ethyl alcohol). Of course, this is only a problem if you are averse to going blind or subjecting to an early, unpredictable death after having a few at the bar.

3. For those of us in Public Health: Don't give up. It's exhausting and you can't do it alone, but it is possible to influence policy change down the line. Engaging the public and informing them to the dangers of environmental chemicals is essential to any real change ever happening. So, when you have some time out of the lab (?), be sure to work on those communication skills.

MadLabRat, PhC

Some wonderful news from the past week: I passed my Oral/General Exam!

This was a huge relief and a great feeling. I'm so happy it's over. I'm now officially a PhD Candidate. The last 4 years? I guess slave, underpaid worker, or plain old graduate student was the appropriate title. I celebrated with some good food, better friends, awesome Girlfriend, and some karaoke.

Fig. 1

As for the exam itself, it went well overall. I had prepared and practiced my presentation profusely, and I believe it paid off. I received several compliments on the layout of my data and project aims in its accessibility to the audience. Always a good thing to hear. Advice from this experience #1: A clear presentation (bullet points and plentiful images) allows you to successfully communicate your ideas to a broad audience and prevents confusion. This last point may seem obvious, but in academia, even the slightest bit of confusion may offend certain professors' sensibilities, resulting in angry ape-like behavior (see Fig. 1).

My committee was a bit more aggressive in  dwelling on certain aspects of my project, aspects I didn't expect to be the focus of discussion. That was another major take-away point for me here, and for anyone preparing for such an exam (where anything is fair game for the panel to ask/discuss)-- you really never know what points will flip the switch in certain people's minds and lead them to focus on something specific. This is why it's important to think carefully about how you say things, what you choose to say, and perhaps, to get to know your committee members a bit better before the exam. I am definitely guilty of not engaging them sooner in this process, but I'm not going to get into the reasons for that here.

Even though I felt I had some sort of answer or talking point about anything that was mentioned, in some ways, I felt I somehow came up a little short in my committee's eyes. I'm honestly unsure how accurate my personal assessment of this situation is, seeing as I did pass after all. But for me, if it's not A's across the board with a glowing record of achievement (which you don't often receive in grad school), it's obviously a failure. Maybe my best advice, then, is to steer clear of the PhD track if you're a perfectionist at heart.

General Exam Crazyness

It's coming! My Oral Exam is rapidly approaching-- February 10th!

Needless to say, things have been insanely busy. Really. Most days involve waking up to babbling Baby Girl at 7:00am and it doesn't stop til I hit the pillow again that night. Even so, I am making a lot of progress and being productive, which feels great. Proposal is written, revised, and sent out to the committee. This was a ton of work but I've admittedly learned a lot through this whole process of reading and digesting literature. If there is anything to be said about this whole stressful endeavor is that preparing for this exam is incredibly useful (unlike the written exam we work our asses off after our second year, full of knowledge that most of us never use afterwards). Lab work is often routine and monotonous; it's easy to feel like you're not really an 'expert' in anything besides pipetting. In reading so much of the current (and past) literature, I feel like I finally have some ownership over these content areas. Plus, my thesis is now about 2/3 written.

Currently, I'm working on my presentation and analyzing some more experiments I completed a couple weeks ago. I am genuinely interested and -gasp!- excited about the results. They've proven useful for my presentation thus far, so that's a plus.

Woo! Almost there. Seriously cannot wait for this to be over.

Jet lag

Any tips for re-adjusting an infant to their normal time zone after 2 weeks on the East coast (3 hrs ahead of Seattle)?



Any other suggestions?

Baby Girl's been having a tough time of it. She unintentionally adjusted to the East coast schedule; by the time we left she was going to bed around 8PM. Now, she's exhausted by 4:30/5:00 PM here and waking up at strange, frequent intervals. For C and I, this means waking up twice before the final wake up call around 6:30 AM... I feel like we're back to the first month all over again! Exhausting. Hopefully, she'll catch up soon....

I'm Tired and It's Only January 3rd

Happy new year! I hope 2012 is looking bright for everyone, I wish you all good things in the new year.

So far, 2012 is looking to be busy exciting. On the agenda: I have my General Exam scheduled for February 10th! I'm happy to finally have that on the calendar. I've met with each of my committee members individually and have mostly positive vibes coming from them, which is great. Something the whole process did make blatantly clear, however, is that I really should have started meeting with them a whole lot sooner (meaning at least a year before I did...). Outside input-- separate from your advisor-- has proven to be incredibly valuable for both my project and my psyche.

Sadly, for many of us in my program, engaging your committee in your project construction is this nice fairy-tale idea that is not actually encouraged. If anything, one gets the feeling that it's frowned upon until you have a clearer idea of your project.. more "preliminary" data... in my type of lab work, however, by the time you have this data, half your project is completed. Kind of negates the whole idea of having other bright minds contribute to the formation of your project and ability to give you feedback on your PROPOSAL... you know, prosed work? At this stage, it's no longer proposed; it's done. And there's really not a whole lot of time left to change your approach to address concerns from committee members. Perhaps we, as grad students, could be "more proactive," but it seems that even when students try to push, unless your PI is on board and supportive, it's futile.

Anyway, ranting aside, it's scheduled and I can't wait for it to be over! January is looking super busy with experiments and proposal writing/studying for the exam. SOT comes around again in mid March in San Francisco (woo!). The most exciting news: an abstract was accepted for a poster at an international conference in Paris in May!! I'm on a mission to find funding to support my travel, I'm optimistic that I'll finagle something. I've been aiming to go to an international conference, and this one is perfect-- it focuses on environmental stressors in the origins of disease. Plus, it's in Paris :) Wish me luck!

Babies = Disease Vectors

I'm on to my second cold in two weeks. I was happy that I didn't give Baby Girl my cold last week, but I'm sad to see it doesn't work the other way around: I caught my newest cold from her. Immunological properties of breast milk: 1  Me: 0.

The Air Up There: Taking the Fumes out of the Dreamliner

Check out my post on The Bill Nye Effect about Clem Furlong, an awesome researcher in Medical Genetics at the UW who does some interesting Toxicology field work with toxic fumes on airplanes.

While you're there, read some other postings on our blog!

Vicious Cycle

Like politics, research funding, and most everything else, life in the lab seems to run on a cycle. All of the visuals that come to mind-- a pendulum swinging left to right, the peaks and troughs of sinusoidal waves (or a roller coaster, for the less geeky)-- accurately describe the highs and lows of life. Sadly, the commonality of such patterns doesn't make the lows any easier to bear, nor the highs any more lasting.

Things were going well in the lab, and I guess overall, still are. Unfortunately for my sanity, there are still a few outlier experiments that should be working and aren't. And, as in the past, I have no idea why. This is the vicious cycle of lab research: knowing something is wrong but not knowing what it is, which makes it impossible to fix, and ultimately dooms you to repeat the mistakes. Until, perhaps, something magically changes. (Laugh if you will, but it's still the only explanation I have for my experiments beginning to work correctly back in March.)

I feel like a broken record saying all this, but it's so head-slamming-against-the-wall frustrating that I can't help but vent about it. Positive vibes are welcome these days, send them with care to the angry little lab rat.

I feel you, cat.

Feeling the Crunch

I'm having trouble deciding which time crunches in life are real and which are self-inflicted (and likely unnecessary). In my head, it's all about the next thing that has to be done, and it has to be done ASAP. No exceptions. That nagging voice telling me to work faster and walk quicker just doesn't quit. Maybe the academic environment is responsible for this: you're made to constantly worry about not producing enough data, or not fast enough (what if you get scooped?). What if your funding runs out? Many aspects of these things are not controllable, so the one thing that is-- your productivity-- becomes the main object of obsession.

I'm feel like I'm always late, and I'm unsure how important that date really is.

I walked out of a lab meeting today and was immediately stricken with a mix of anxiety and panic. My presented progress was sufficient this time around, so I left relatively unscathed. Regardless, my brain switched to scheduling the next 2 months+ of my lab life the instant I finished discussing my data. No matter how much progress I feel I made, or how hard I had worked in that past month, I ALWAYS walk out of the meeting overwhelmed by how much more I still need to do. Is this me being too hard on myself, or is this really just the reality of being a productive worker? When do you get to the point where you feel like you were productive enough?

For someone who really likes to strike a line through such things, mentally and physically, these lingering loose ends are guaranteed to induce panic. With the nature of lab work-- tedious, relying on cells to grow over the course of days and weeks-- I can't just rush to my desk and bust out the work that needs to be done. I am forced to sit and plan, and work for weeks to finish even one more experiment, one that may work to my benefit...or it may end more tragically (See: cell contamination). It's a horrible lesson in patience that I'm really tired of learning.

Women in Bio

Another great organization for networking with some powerful women in the biotech world and related: Women in Bio.

I went to one of their networking events last week and really enjoyed talking to so many successful, interesting women in the sciences. I tried to make some initial contacts and hope to see some of the same faces again. Especially for anyone on the East coast, this is a great org with some fun events. Check it out!

'Contagion:' Wash Your Hands

"Blogging is not writing. It's graffiti with punctuation." -Dr. Ian Sussman (Contagion)

For a rare night out, C and I went to see 'Contagion' this weekend. The film is frightening because of the subject matter, and jarring in its realism. It's straight-forward almost to the point of dryness, but for most people, uncontrollable viral epidemics are anything but. I loved it. 'Contagion' presents a situation in which a global epidemic occurs due to a series of random and completely plausible events. An unknown virus spreads rapidly through simple contact: touching surfaces on the bus, or sharing a bowl of peanuts at the bar. It's amazing how many things we touch that are in turn touched by millions of people. And then, as Kate Winslet's character points out, we go on to touch our faces some 2,000 times a day(!). Kate's character, as an aside, is sexy because a) she's Kate Winslet and b) because she has an awesome job at the CDC.

What I liked most about the film was its frankness, the reality of it all. There was no ridiculous drama, only understandable reactions of hungry, scared people who were left to fend for themselves due to lack of resources and a shut-down society. Government agencies, like the CDC, are portrayed as practical and even heroic (for once!). The reality of over-worked scientists and the fallible nature of even the most imposing leaders (Fishburne) were highlights in this aspect.


The characters are varied and excellent as well. Jude Law, for instance, plays the conspiracy-theorist, armed with a blog and millions of followers. He is not paranoid. He's smart, but distrustful of science and the government (as many are). His arguments are understandable and shared by many. Unfortunately, with the power of the Internet, he is able to convince people of an effective, alternative treatment for the virus (that's eventually disproved by science), and likely dissuades thousands of people from getting the vaccine. This character exists in real life. They truly believe in what they are saying and doing, and they reach A LOT of people who trust them. Look at what happened with the one misconducted study linking Autism to vaccines (data was forged, sample size was incredibly small, etc.) became popularized. Thankfully, it appears that Jenny McCarthy has since removed her epithets condemning vaccines and the government for requiring them.

For fellow lab rats, 'Contagion' hits all the right spots in its portrayal of lab science. Science is not magic. A vaccine to an unknown entity takes time to be developed. When they first try to make a vaccine in the movie, the virus kills every type of cell they put it in. Trial and error doesn't even begin to describe it. But, the look on the scientist's face when she realizes she does it-- she created a vaccine-- is priceless. It was that remarkable moment when the base-pairs align and your body fills with triumph. She quickly realizes that she needs to test it in humans immediately and, even in emergency situations, some clinical trials would have to be done before approval for mass use. Putting science first (in true devotee fashion) she injects herself with the vaccine. I wanted to cheer for her.

From the origins of the virus to its capacity to spread, the moral of the story was a true testament to the Public Health field: please, remember to wash your hands.

Is race influencing funding opportunities? Look closer.

Cross-posted from Secretlivesofscientists's Weblog::

Interesting commentary on the disparity of blacks funded by NIH grants. Thanks for using your analytical skills outside the lab, Em.

Communicating Science

Exciting news! I am going to be taking a course in the fall dedicating to 'Science Writing for Impact.' It is taught by a local freelance editor and journalist, and will focus on learning to express ideas and thoughts on science in a clear manner for the general public. Besides actual writing exercises and assignments, there are some guest speakers (local writers, etc) set to come throughout the quarter.

I'm really excited about this class; I've been looking for a formalized atmosphere to learn more about the world of science writing, which can be quite different than other types of writing. Living in the world of science research requires a knowledge of what is rightly seen as its own language. There are terms and words used in science that otherwise may not even exist or have very different meanings in other contexts. It is because of this-- the fact that much of scientific research is published in a highly academic and seemingly indecipherable manner-- that some important information often never reaches the people to whom it can be the most useful. In public health field, communicating the science that is being done and the results of such research is extremely important; the work we do is directly linked to the health of people, and understanding this information is necessary for people to protect themselves and their families.

At the very least, it will be a nice change of pace to break up the lab routine. It probably won't hurt for networking either. Otherwise, things are going ok. It's that time for the SOT abstract again, this year it's in San Francisco! Woot.

Yeast

It's good for this:

Not good for neurons and cell cultures, which end up looking like this:

Yeast contamination: Biotechniques.com

Gah!