Definitely.

Check out #WhatShouldWeCallGradSchool because it's awesome.

Vicious Cycle

Like politics, research funding, and most everything else, life in the lab seems to run on a cycle. All of the visuals that come to mind-- a pendulum swinging left to right, the peaks and troughs of sinusoidal waves (or a roller coaster, for the less geeky)-- accurately describe the highs and lows of life. Sadly, the commonality of such patterns doesn't make the lows any easier to bear, nor the highs any more lasting.

Things were going well in the lab, and I guess overall, still are. Unfortunately for my sanity, there are still a few outlier experiments that should be working and aren't. And, as in the past, I have no idea why. This is the vicious cycle of lab research: knowing something is wrong but not knowing what it is, which makes it impossible to fix, and ultimately dooms you to repeat the mistakes. Until, perhaps, something magically changes. (Laugh if you will, but it's still the only explanation I have for my experiments beginning to work correctly back in March.)

I feel like a broken record saying all this, but it's so head-slamming-against-the-wall frustrating that I can't help but vent about it. Positive vibes are welcome these days, send them with care to the angry little lab rat.

I feel you, cat.

A wee bit of panic, a large dose of stress

Feeling a bit like this guy today:

I just was informed that I have to prepare a presentation and data to present to the next meeting (Dec. 3rd) for my training grant. Initially, I wouldn't go until next May, but they suddenly rearranged the list. A long way off, you may say.  WRONG.  Wrong, mostly because the way things work with my work and in this lab these days, a month might give me one or two usable experiments. MIGHT is a key word there.  Without more data, I've really nothing new to show for myself since the last meeting in May.  That is pathetic, and it will only seem as such in front of some important people.  Gah.

I'm also working on this big project for that Biopharmaceutical Development class I previously mentioned. The class is super interesting, still, but this project is a beast and we had pretty little direction on how and what to do.  Basically we are just designing a whole plan for testing and developing a new drug (ours is an bivalent antibody for use in Chron's Disease and other Inflammatory Bowel Diseases (IBD)). Pretty overwhelming.

In some better news, the contamination seems to be gone.. for now. I guess that's a good start.

Hbar/2

It's been a pretty boring week here in the lab.  The upside to this is getting to listen to the awesomeness of "The XX" station on Pandora.  The Xx - "Islands"

Other than the week being boring, it's been relatively unproductive, much to my chagrin. Some cells I had to image ended up looking pretty shitty, if existent at all.  This is frustrating on many levels. For one, these experiments take about 2 weeks each, and (why don't we ever say "for two"?) also because I am actually really curious to know the results of these experiments.  Their results could be potentially exciting and make me -gasp!- want to do more experiments!  Imagine that... interest in my work.

Aside from this being a pretty normal occurrence-- things not really working-- I really have a hard time deciphering when experiments "don't work" (meaning something legitimately goes wrong: conditions were unfavorable, etc) or when I did something wrong.  This uncertainty is maddening because unless it's an obvious mistake or blatant contamination of the cells, it's very difficult to tell if I'm truly just a 'bad' lab scientist or these assays/protocols are imperfect.  While there's an excellent chance the latter is true (as most human-made things are far from perfect), I can't help but feel like I am doing something wrong or not seeing something that I could and should change.  If I can't figure it out, then I can't change it, and I keep repeating the same mistakes. 

How is this cycle productive?  I don't know if it makes me feel better or worse that this is a seemingly normal feeling for most lab-based graduate students.....

See:

and

The not-so-veiled reference to the Heisenberg uncertainty principle in the title of this post is because I feel like that principle comes up in life a whole lot. My interest in quantum mechanics sprouts from a great professor of physical chemistry back at UMass, and for a love of the duality of electrons (or anything). Perhaps that's a Gemini thing.

Anyway, without delving into details, the principle says it is impossible to simultaneously determine certain pairs of physical properties to a high degree of acuity. There is a limit to how certain you can be of these two things (momentum and position of a particle/wave, in PChem) at any given time. While this is not really what we're talking about on a macro scale, with life or experiments, I feel it's relatable. I often feel like it's impossible for me to know much with a high degree of certainty.  I'm skeptical and somewhat doubtful of everything, as I'm someone who likes to analyze everything.  There are times when this is a good thing; scientific progress, for instance, requires these traits. And then there are times when it's disastrous-- like when I'm too doubtful of myself.

So, how much doubt is healthy skepticism, leaving room for analysis/improvement..and how much is just flat out hazardous to one's sanity and respectable self-assurance?

Lather, rinse, repeat

It's amazing how much of wet lab research is mundane routine. In general, research is incredibly tedious and slow. And very often, you don't find something groundbreaking and revolutionary. I wish more people understood this. My father, for instance, repeatedly asks if I "discovered anything yet." This makes me feel like this:
I forgive him quickly because he doesn't really get it, and that's ok. But, you would think that 3+ years later, he would understand when I explain it to him for the 50 millionth time why it doesn't work like that. It would be nice for others to understand the nature of lab-based research and what goes in to a single experiment. For instance (and not all experiments are like this, it's usually discipline and project specific), ONE of my experiments on primary neurons [brain cells harvested from an animal, a rat in this case] takes me about 2 weeks from start to finish.  Or, the fact that hundreds of experiments need to be conducted in order to 'safely' (read: with as little uncertainty as possible) make a conclusion about anything.

Sadly, simply saying something is 'bad for you,' or causes problems for human health, is not satisfactory for government-implemented policy. Years and volumes of data indicating a problem are needed to combat the use of whatever it is (i.e. industrial use of certain chemicals, certain pesticides, etc). This usually results in going down rabbit holes to prove inane points of HOW exactly this thing is bad for you. Research funds and man-hours are wasted on experiments necessary to find the smallest amount of a chemical that will not cause adverse effects ("Acceptable Daily Intake" of certain food additives, supplements, or even pesticide residues on foods, for example). Instead of eliminating the contaminant, industry waits for more time to pass with these studies and new policies to pass before they're ever expected to change.

I think some of the most important things I've learned in this program are about the politics surrounding the policy and decision-making towards anything public- or environmental-health related. It's quite amazing how little priority either of those two things get in this (and most) country(-ies). I love learning, but many times,the more I know, the angrier/sadder/more frustrated I become. I find myself envying the oblivious and ignorant, which is an interesting conclusion to come to when striving for 'higher education.'

Eureka?

I realized this morning that I will not be any good at this blog thing unless I have a focus.  At the risk of it turning into one giant rant, I decided this is going to be my outlet for all things grad school and lab fun related.

Really, I was thinking about all the times I've put some random grad-school-related phrases into Google in a bout of frustration (i.e. "Grad school makes me feel stupid") with the hope that some links pointing to sage wisdom and helpful advice would pop up.  Believe it or not, there are several things that do show up, and some are even helpful.  Many times, they are simply blogs and ramblings of former graduate students, many from within the sciences.  It really helps me to see other people thinking and feeling the same things I am while trudging through this strange world in which its very easy to feel stuck.

Maybe, one day, this site will come up on a Bing search by a desperate grad student, and their day might be that much brighter.