Feeling the Crunch

I'm having trouble deciding which time crunches in life are real and which are self-inflicted (and likely unnecessary). In my head, it's all about the next thing that has to be done, and it has to be done ASAP. No exceptions. That nagging voice telling me to work faster and walk quicker just doesn't quit. Maybe the academic environment is responsible for this: you're made to constantly worry about not producing enough data, or not fast enough (what if you get scooped?). What if your funding runs out? Many aspects of these things are not controllable, so the one thing that is-- your productivity-- becomes the main object of obsession.

I'm feel like I'm always late, and I'm unsure how important that date really is.

I walked out of a lab meeting today and was immediately stricken with a mix of anxiety and panic. My presented progress was sufficient this time around, so I left relatively unscathed. Regardless, my brain switched to scheduling the next 2 months+ of my lab life the instant I finished discussing my data. No matter how much progress I feel I made, or how hard I had worked in that past month, I ALWAYS walk out of the meeting overwhelmed by how much more I still need to do. Is this me being too hard on myself, or is this really just the reality of being a productive worker? When do you get to the point where you feel like you were productive enough?

For someone who really likes to strike a line through such things, mentally and physically, these lingering loose ends are guaranteed to induce panic. With the nature of lab work-- tedious, relying on cells to grow over the course of days and weeks-- I can't just rush to my desk and bust out the work that needs to be done. I am forced to sit and plan, and work for weeks to finish even one more experiment, one that may work to my benefit...or it may end more tragically (See: cell contamination). It's a horrible lesson in patience that I'm really tired of learning.

Communicating Science

Exciting news! I am going to be taking a course in the fall dedicating to 'Science Writing for Impact.' It is taught by a local freelance editor and journalist, and will focus on learning to express ideas and thoughts on science in a clear manner for the general public. Besides actual writing exercises and assignments, there are some guest speakers (local writers, etc) set to come throughout the quarter.

I'm really excited about this class; I've been looking for a formalized atmosphere to learn more about the world of science writing, which can be quite different than other types of writing. Living in the world of science research requires a knowledge of what is rightly seen as its own language. There are terms and words used in science that otherwise may not even exist or have very different meanings in other contexts. It is because of this-- the fact that much of scientific research is published in a highly academic and seemingly indecipherable manner-- that some important information often never reaches the people to whom it can be the most useful. In public health field, communicating the science that is being done and the results of such research is extremely important; the work we do is directly linked to the health of people, and understanding this information is necessary for people to protect themselves and their families.

At the very least, it will be a nice change of pace to break up the lab routine. It probably won't hurt for networking either. Otherwise, things are going ok. It's that time for the SOT abstract again, this year it's in San Francisco! Woot.

Rants, Raves, and Babes

Firstly, I'm hating Seattle today. This weather is crap. Yeah yeah, I know most of the country is suffering from an unbearable heat wave, but really, 60 degrees and raining is NOT ok. Nor is it acceptable to be called "Summer." It's shit, and I'm frankly tired of wearing the same clothes from November of last year. Someone please tell the rest of the country to share their weather and we'll gladly give you some of our cooler winds.

Thanks, Wordpress.

Now that that's out of the way.. the baby is coming oh so soon! August 8th marks the long-awaited arrival of little Lady Peanut. I'm excited and nervous, but mostly just ready to try to tackle this parenting thing instead of simply anticipating it and driving myself a little batty in the process. I've always been much better at handling a situation rather than the anxiety that comes with thinking about it.

Onesie decorated at the Baby Shower. Awesomeness.

News from the lab is in the theme of 'mediocre on the verge of greatness.' Some experiments have been working out rather well these days, yielding results that I expected to see and in a lovely, clear fashion. Yay! +1 Other experiments, of the Western blot persuasion, not so much. It's kind of a mixed bag with Westerns. It's amazing how you can do the same exact thing, with the same exact antibodies, on two different days and come out with two different results. I'm not even talking different trends in your results (although, that is worthy of throwing things out of frustration). I'm talking about having absolutely nothing show up on your blot. Nothing? Why? Are the proteins shy that day? Do they not want to get out of bed? Where the f*ck did they go? Ah, the reliability of Science.

A wee bit of panic, a large dose of stress

Feeling a bit like this guy today:

I just was informed that I have to prepare a presentation and data to present to the next meeting (Dec. 3rd) for my training grant. Initially, I wouldn't go until next May, but they suddenly rearranged the list. A long way off, you may say.  WRONG.  Wrong, mostly because the way things work with my work and in this lab these days, a month might give me one or two usable experiments. MIGHT is a key word there.  Without more data, I've really nothing new to show for myself since the last meeting in May.  That is pathetic, and it will only seem as such in front of some important people.  Gah.

I'm also working on this big project for that Biopharmaceutical Development class I previously mentioned. The class is super interesting, still, but this project is a beast and we had pretty little direction on how and what to do.  Basically we are just designing a whole plan for testing and developing a new drug (ours is an bivalent antibody for use in Chron's Disease and other Inflammatory Bowel Diseases (IBD)). Pretty overwhelming.

In some better news, the contamination seems to be gone.. for now. I guess that's a good start.

Intellectual Ventures

In efforts to network, since it's all the rage, I try to be an active member of the Association of Women in Science (AWIS).  They are actually a great national organization with many local chapters across the country, spanning a variety of disciplines in the STEM (science, technology, engineering, and math) fields to promote and foster networks of women in science.  I have gotten to do some volunteer work with young girls in science through them, as well as get to meet some interesting (and potentially useful) people at their networking events. Hopefully some time in the next year, I'll be editing for their magazine and getting some experience in the writing world (experience outside of this glamorous blog, of course).

The most recent event was last night at this company called Intellectual Ventures. As their website touts, they are a company that works to promote and participate in 'inventing.' While the company has their own state-of-the-art labs and do some 'inventing' in-house, they tend to take on a lot of projects from others to perfect, prove, and patent their inventions.  It's a pretty cool, relatively new company.

Hbar/2

It's been a pretty boring week here in the lab.  The upside to this is getting to listen to the awesomeness of "The XX" station on Pandora.  The Xx - "Islands"

Other than the week being boring, it's been relatively unproductive, much to my chagrin. Some cells I had to image ended up looking pretty shitty, if existent at all.  This is frustrating on many levels. For one, these experiments take about 2 weeks each, and (why don't we ever say "for two"?) also because I am actually really curious to know the results of these experiments.  Their results could be potentially exciting and make me -gasp!- want to do more experiments!  Imagine that... interest in my work.

Aside from this being a pretty normal occurrence-- things not really working-- I really have a hard time deciphering when experiments "don't work" (meaning something legitimately goes wrong: conditions were unfavorable, etc) or when I did something wrong.  This uncertainty is maddening because unless it's an obvious mistake or blatant contamination of the cells, it's very difficult to tell if I'm truly just a 'bad' lab scientist or these assays/protocols are imperfect.  While there's an excellent chance the latter is true (as most human-made things are far from perfect), I can't help but feel like I am doing something wrong or not seeing something that I could and should change.  If I can't figure it out, then I can't change it, and I keep repeating the same mistakes. 

How is this cycle productive?  I don't know if it makes me feel better or worse that this is a seemingly normal feeling for most lab-based graduate students.....

See:

and

The not-so-veiled reference to the Heisenberg uncertainty principle in the title of this post is because I feel like that principle comes up in life a whole lot. My interest in quantum mechanics sprouts from a great professor of physical chemistry back at UMass, and for a love of the duality of electrons (or anything). Perhaps that's a Gemini thing.

Anyway, without delving into details, the principle says it is impossible to simultaneously determine certain pairs of physical properties to a high degree of acuity. There is a limit to how certain you can be of these two things (momentum and position of a particle/wave, in PChem) at any given time. While this is not really what we're talking about on a macro scale, with life or experiments, I feel it's relatable. I often feel like it's impossible for me to know much with a high degree of certainty.  I'm skeptical and somewhat doubtful of everything, as I'm someone who likes to analyze everything.  There are times when this is a good thing; scientific progress, for instance, requires these traits. And then there are times when it's disastrous-- like when I'm too doubtful of myself.

So, how much doubt is healthy skepticism, leaving room for analysis/improvement..and how much is just flat out hazardous to one's sanity and respectable self-assurance?

The Blessing of Old Friends

Curly Lauren came to visit this weekend!  It was fantastic.  We did a lot of things like this:

As well as rode the ducks and ate a lot. Lauren and I love to eat a lot, so that was enjoyable.  She also got to watch me "do science" a bit on Friday, which she seemed to be pretty excited about.  It's nice to be able to show (read: impress) people with my lab skills and fancy shakers and pipets. This works especially well on those X-files-loving ladies who actually know what a centrifuge is from this show.  Nice :)

Speaking of doing science, I'll leave you with this awesome video with the award-deserving song from the finale of the X-box game Portal. Click here:  "Still Alive" -GLaDoS

"But there's no sense crying over every mistake.
You just keep on trying till you run out of cake.
And the Science gets done."

Eureka?

I realized this morning that I will not be any good at this blog thing unless I have a focus.  At the risk of it turning into one giant rant, I decided this is going to be my outlet for all things grad school and lab fun related.

Really, I was thinking about all the times I've put some random grad-school-related phrases into Google in a bout of frustration (i.e. "Grad school makes me feel stupid") with the hope that some links pointing to sage wisdom and helpful advice would pop up.  Believe it or not, there are several things that do show up, and some are even helpful.  Many times, they are simply blogs and ramblings of former graduate students, many from within the sciences.  It really helps me to see other people thinking and feeling the same things I am while trudging through this strange world in which its very easy to feel stuck.

Maybe, one day, this site will come up on a Bing search by a desperate grad student, and their day might be that much brighter.